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Baby_Laurie_yumyums
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Name: Laurie
Country: United States
State: Virginia
Metro: Loudoun County
Gender: Female
Interests: Watching excessive television, being boring, spazzing out, being wrong, being confused, speaking Spanish, misspelling words 100 times, not being clever, selling myself short, napping, drawing, chewing ice, photoshop, ranting, "helping," attempting to be a good person.
Message: message me
AIM:  Crazycoolbabe14
AIM:  Pinkpokadot1208
Member Since:
4/26/2005
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| I graduated almost two weeks ago and I didn't even bother to write about it in my Xanga. My lovely high-school blog that I've had since the end of eighth grade. I need to write more, it keeps me intact with myself. I'm getting my own laptop soon (so excited!) and I vowed to get a virtual journal where I can write in whenever I want to .
Anyways, I'm no longer in high school and I no longer have to deal with the obnoxious teenagers that live around my town. Only if I run into them at parties (haha, like I go to parties) or if I deliver pizza to them (already happened... I could go on a rant about how no one really acknowledges the pizza person... it's just take pizza, give money, close door. I could also rant about how few people tip the pizza delivery person well, but that is irrelevant {but when has that stopped me?})
I think I didn't really feel graduation as much as I could have. I fell out of my own existance at school and had the attitude that it was already over, so didn't really try much at all and didn't really see the point.
High school was probably the most boring four years in my life. My advice for people: skip more and take advantage of the world around you when you're supposed to be at school. It seems claustrophobic being forced to be something 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. I just wish there weren't such obnoxious consequences for skipping school.
I had a list that I made a while back of things I should do before graduation. Let me see what I've done. It's from this entry
1. Audition to be an extra in a movie
Nope, didn't even think about it after a certain point
2. Play a part in a random school play
Nah, once again, didn't really care for school plays after a certain point
3. Go on a road trip
This is iffy. I sort of went on a few "road trips" if you count driving to JMU and PA. If not, then I didn't go on any "cool" roadtrips where I did cool things. But, I did explore a lot and I think that was a good way to use gas
4. Drive to a random hill and watch the sunrise
For some reason, I just never did this. I just wasn't awake
5. Bake a really wowful, themed, and artistic cake
I got out of baking once I got to be a junior. I have no clue why, I guess I just got too lazy
6. Come up with my own brownie recipe
I did and it got put in this sophomore year cookbook two years ago
7. Go to a summer camp
I went to that Graphic Design camp last year, which I think would count as a summer camp. I mean, we stayed in a dorm, so it was cool
8. Get a job at at least one place
I've had four: Corner Bakery, Cheeburger Cheeburger, abercrombie, and now Domino's. I sort of have job ADD, but i like experiencing a lot of different things to find my niche. I like being a waitress a lot so far, but it's hard to find that in my position
9. Paint a picture (like with a real canvas)
I painted a heart in Drawing and Painting class last month. It was really cool actually and really fun to do. I'm definitely going to try to do it a lot more
10. Have a conversation with an only-speaking spanish person
I'm pretty sure I did this at some point, but can't remember where or when or how many times. It's not like I can now, I forget all the Spanish I learned in those four years
11. Learn how to knit
Fail. I got a kniting kit and everything, but I guess I just haven't tried yet
12. Bunjee jump
Nah, the chance just never came up. I hope to go soon though
13. Make some kind of documentary
The camera my family owns suck and I just never found the inspiration or time. Or have the equipment. Maybe soon, now that I have my laptop
14. Be in at least one school club (laurie you lazy ass)
I was in forensics, so that counts =)
15. Find a decent sleeping pattern
Found then lost then found then lost. I will never be in a decent sleeping pattern for more than a month
16. Be louder
I actually think I can say that I've become a lot more outgoing and talkative in the last two years. Though, a lot of the time I really just like being quiet and observing things around me. And I still can't talk to certain people without being hellah awkward
17. Exercise more
I walk... I don't think that counts as "more" though
18. Dye my hair a different color
I dyed my hair three months ago... to "champagne blonde." It really doesn't look much different than my normal color, but oh well I tried
19. Go on another cruise (not really my say but... gah)
I went on two more cruises since then! In fact, I came back from a four-day one Monday
20. Become a more active livejournal member
Fail. Fuck livejournal.
21. Have a moment where my room is completely clean (closet and all)
Nope. And I paid the price with those carpet beetles. Now I should probably do it before I go off to school in August
22. Make 3 more scrapbooks
Just never found the interest
23. Drive on the beltway
I sort of did this! I drove on everything but the beltway a lot. I drove only a couple of times. I think I drove on the beltway accidentally the first day I got my lisence. I just never really need to go anywhere involving the beltway
24. Get by without breaking anything important or major
What? What things could I break? I probably fucked up at some point and "broke" something, so I'm not crossing that one off
25. Get some unintentional "life" experience (I really can't explain this one so I'll just... move on)
I think I'd call getting arrested, having several jobs, actually trying to interact with people outside of school, getting lost dozens of times, going far places, and public speaking "life experience." I'm still a middle-class 18-year-old white girl who has to tell her parents wherever she's going who is pretty much on probation, so I'm a bit restricted
26. Be a VIP somewhere and let unVIPs in the VIP section
How the hell was I supposed to do this?
27. Go to California
Not yet. I'm actually going to Oakland with my dad and sister on my dad's business trip in a month
28. Meet another celebrity
... Wow, I actually didn't meet any celebrities in the past two years. Except that I hate celebrities, so it's for the better
29. Find something to collect
I collect money, doesn't that count? No? Okay =(
30. Go walk to the creek
I went there last year to get water for the AP Bio classes (it was for extra credit in Chemistry)
12 our 30 isn't that bad. It's bad on a number sense, but how was I supposed to do half those things on the list unless I was so damn set on doing them?
Anyways, Lara is here and we're going on a trip to Busch Gardens tomorrow and then to 1406 for July 4th. Yay! Happy Summer!
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| A couple of weeks ago I went to my psychiatrist and started complaining about how the 80 mg of Strattera made me feel like I don't know my own personality. Medication is helpful, and I fully acknowledge that, but I think taking it can be disheartening for people at points in their life. It's like they're being controlled but something, and you start to think that your thoughts, actions, feelings, lack of emotion, sleep pattern, eating pattern, etc. is caused by medication. It's generally not though. But, this just brings up the thought that you're more trapped away from yourself with medication, and you want to get off of it asap.
Of course my psychiatrist put up a fight... god forbid they should allow people to think away from what the pharmaceutical companies say. But now, I'm descending on my medication and I think it's making me insanely bipolar. I mean bipolar as in mood-swingy, not actually bipolar. I was so damn happy Monday, I couldn't stand it because I knew that it wasn't going to last. That's stupid and pathetic, I should change that thought. It's not fair, I don't know whether it's my hormones, or changing of medication, or just a chemical imbalance, or that I'm just really freaking pessimistic, but I've been so depressed lately. I don't care though, I just think that it's a normal part of young adulthood that I should ignore because there are so many cures for depression like eating better or exercising, but i'm too damn lazy to take those up.
I'm just finding it hard to accommodate everything around me to a positive level and I can't accept what goes on, but I'm too affected to ignore it and too small to change it. I hate being considered a criminal and I hate the way people are rarely acknowledged for doing something good, but as soon as they slip up, people are on them. Negativity is too damn pervasive around me, and I suck it up and absorb it like the weak person that I am. I hate standards and feeling ugly all the time, but then feeling shallow for caring about what I look like.
I can't control my anger. It's scary. The other day I came home and my parents confronted me about something that I did. This thing that I did was risky, though I made sure that there were no negative consequences, but I definitely understand where my parents were coming from when they were that angry and confrontational. The thing that pissed me off was that my sister told them and I trusted her. I don't take surprises very well, so all I could think of was yelling my brains out and throwing things, it was just what my immediate passionate response was to the situation. I knew I was being irrational, but I could not remove the tension just by sitting down and listening to what my dad had to lecture. Then, I ran to my room, and all I could think about was hurting myself. I hate that hurting yourself is a big response to strong self-disappointment, it almost felt like a natural instinct to take self-anger out on yourself.
It's just all not fair, if we all traded lives, we would appreciate ours more. Sticking to the same thing is difficult and numbs the brain, but you have to live through it. I'm just hoping that everything works itself out, both with age and my own ambitions.
I sound like a manic-depressive teenager again. I'm going to sleep then. It's memorial day weekend, I guess I should go to the pool if I'm feeling brave or something.
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| Because I'm lazy and I've been in a rut to whether I should care about public approval or being noticed. I mean, the "right" answer would be that I do not care and that I love myself and it doesn't matter if people see me or not. But that's not true at all. Of course I want to be noticed, no one affects anyone by remaining completely isolated. Yet, defining yourself is one way you can effortlessly accept others as they see you and to gain practical wisdom to pass on to people you meet in the future. But being a teenager and all, social status and interaction is hammered in our head as being important and it's hard to shake off after being in high school.
WTF, I'm better than that. Much better. God damn the enjoyable teenage life of doing drugs and getting laid. It's all a damn show, but the people seem to really be enjoying themselves, so what?
I'm going to go. Damn the universe
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| So, April first begins in twelve minutes as of now, but I don't really write much another. Luckily I get distracted by various things.
Luckily, I'm not as depressed as I was throughout the first three weeks of March. It was just awful though, waking up just to go to school and coming home to homework that I have no motivation to do, mirrors, parents, a computer, television. Screw all of that stuff. I want to be free. To live a free life, even if I'd be starving. I want to experience it, at least so I can appreciate what I have now more. The only way I can appreciate what I have now is to lose it, and I'm never going to do that deliberately.
My room has been invaded by carpet beetles.
  
They've been in my clothes (not while on me, thankfully... I hope), on my walls, and especially scattered among my carpet. I hate them with my life and they are just contributing to my bad luck. I have concluded that the universe wants me to be on this certain path, so it's throwing all these obnoxious tests at me. First, I get fired. Then I get arrested. Then I get sick. Then my room is infested with beetles. What have I learned from all this? I learned that I should quit a job before I go crazy and the thought of coming into work makes me want to vomit. I learned that I should never talk to cops, that they lie to get what they want, they think you're always guilty, and that you should never carry anything incriminating in your purse no matter how guarded from being searched by the cops you feel. Or you might end up with a felony charge for a crime that you didn't commit because they want to get your finger prints (damn being 18) and you drive around looking for cops to flick off because you have all this built-up anger towards them. I learned that I should e-mail everything to myself, or five important essays dealing with the same project could be wiped completely from your USP drive. I learned that I should keep my room clean. Except I'm too lazy to. Damn I've been pretty happy, despite all of this. Last week I was so damn jolly in school, even though I still live for taking long naps after school. My parents gave up on keeping me in the house, though I still feel bad because I spend a lot of money on gas and iTunes (I mean, wtf, a dollar for a song?). I also got frustrated with myself the other day... I was putting all my clothes in a plastic bag in order to move them so they are out of the way of the damn beetles. And I realized that I have too many clothes. I'm just one person, why do I have all that shit and my own room and a car? It's America and the way society lives and I can' t get out of it. I hate society. I know I sound like a "angry-teenage-potsmoking-bitter-anarchist-liberal" who is too lazy to do anything, but I'm just tired of feeling the weight of society's inescapable standards around me every day. I'm not comfortable enough to ignore it. The government is too large and everyone is too confused. Eh, I'm going to go upstairs to put more clothes in plastic bags, take a shower, not sleep. Good luck to all of you!
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| Another miserable week, another miserable weekend.
All I look forward to is going home and napping... that's seriously where all the happiness in my life is concentrated on. I don't like being awake at all. I'm frustrated because this isn't normal.
I guess being ultra grounded for two months isn't really helping and my parents don't realize that they're driving me crazy, but I'm too lazy to convince them.
Screw March.
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